Promise

I don’t know why we all hang onto something we know we’re better off letting go. It’s like we’re scared to lose what we really don’t even have. At least anymore… Some of us say we’d rather have something than nothing at all, I was one of those people. But the truth is….to have something halfway is harder than not having it at all. That’s the simple truth of it all, what am I afraid of losing when I basically have nothing anymore, nothing worth waking up with a huge cheesy smile on my face, nothing to have butterflies over. It’s been pain now, for a good few months. Pain that seeps into me when I don’t even realize it, pain that can put the biggest smile on my face away. The type of pain where your having fun and remember things and you stop and your smile fades and your eyes glisten with tears as you try to fight them away and tell yourself to get over it. The type of pain where you hear a song and it reminds you of things. The type of pain when you finally realize it probably isn’t meant to be. I can’t pull all the weight, I need help. I put all the blame on me, but you can’t just let me hang…or can you? I had a conversation about this even with my mom, who I don’t really bother much about the things I’m hurting over, because she has a handful of her own problems. But I guess I got to the point where I didn’t know what to do, had nobody to talk to about it since you always get mad and throw more things at me when I try talking about it. I was telling my mom how everything about was great for awhile, and then how things fell apart and you let go, and now I’m holding myself up with my finger tips. I didn’t even make you sound bad, or at wrong. I even said I hope the next person he finds will make you happier, and less stressed. I hope you have the same laughs with them like you did with me, hope you both have the same humor. You will make them happy. Because maybe were not at wrong at all, maybe none of it is my fault, maybe none of it is your fault, maybe something is wrong with me, maybe something is wrong with you. Maybe I just need a wake up call…. I feel as if I don’t know what to do, like I’m trapped and you don’t even want to help. It’s like you gave up, I don’t know if it will ever be the same…a part of me sometimes hopes it will, and another part of me wants just to be happy .  I mean everything that I say from the bottom of my heart, I would never, never ever hurt you. I opened my heart gave it to you, nothing is good enough right? Saddest part is you don’t believe anything and I need to prove everything.

True.

Hm have you ever gotten to that point where you were happy and stuff and you just wanted it that one thing and you just knew, you were certain that you would be happy. I think I’m coming to my true senses now, where I need what is actually going to make me happy, I can’t put on forever and say I’m happy and do so much just to keep it neutral. I can’t sit and be quiet for too much longer and not saying anything just in case it ticks you off. I don’t want to hurt inside and not be able to say anything. When you aren’t happy, I try. If I’m not happy Its me automatically starting drama, It’s like you don’t even care anymore to make me happy.

Fact:

There is nothing worse then being in love alone.

Anyway..

It’s raining at the moment, fun right? Not really. I usually like the rain but today it just has a different toll on me.

CAR UPDATE? ehh none yet! :/