One Person

July 25, 2008 at 7:26 am Leave a comment

Words don’t hurt, the person saying them does. Sometimes I just want to know what wrong turn I took. It’s not ALL a wrong turn, but at some point I believe I took a wrong turn. “Just be yourself” how can you be yourself when some people don’t like you as you are. How can I be myself when you say I hurt you and you tell me all that I do wrong. Right now, is that pit of your stomach feeling. Where you feel like you don’t know how to feel or what to do. It’s like nothing ever goes right, and some things that sometimes should go wrong don’t, clearly its not smooth sailing. But nothing is right? I mean if everything were to be smooth sailing, we wouldn’t learn. Just sometimes, I wish that I could be someone, this person likes. I wish I could be someone inspirational, someone you just wanna keep knowing. I don’t want to feel like I’m not good enough anymore. I don’t want to feel pushed away anymore. I don’t want to scare others away just by them knowing how my life used to be. Then this guy came into my life, lets just say right off the bat he was different. He wasn’t your typical guy, does that sound cliche? Well anyways, It’s not like I fell madly deeply in love with him right then and there. But I just had a feeling about this guy, but didn’t know what it was. Thats not my point, my point is, all my life I have been so scared of getting close to someone, letting all boundaries down for someone, letting your guard down, most of all…letting them in. But for him I did, and I don’t regret anything. It’s hard to explain how I feel, I’m not sure. The thing is, for once someone wanted to be with me, knowing who I was and knowing my background. He didn’t walk out, like 99% of people I know would. A good friend of mine asked me what I was scared of, and I honestly didn’t know what she was talking about. My reply was “nothing,” but she knew that wasn’t true, thats the night I told her about him too. And I wont ever forget what she told me, she said “what are you afraid of? that somebody wants to be with you too?” it’s not even maybe the words, but the way she said it. She was mad, I think she wanted me to see, that for once I was the lucky one. I know what she meant now. To me the “guy” thing was hard from the beginning. I mean I was fine till age 10, and guys didn’t even matter then, nor did I care for them. But then everything changed. The person I thought was my father for YEARS ended up being something I’d find out wasn’t true before new years 2008, worst of all finding he wasn’t my dad and knowing a stranger put me through all the shit I went through. Then finding out the one person you could tell anything to, and used to spend every weekend at the park with, is all of a sudden dead. Then finding out one half of your DNA is buried somewhere outside of the country, was even harder. Lets just say it was hard to believe a MALE was ever going to stick around. Then he came a long, and changed the way I viewed that. I mean I still have a hard to believing people are going to stick around. But he is the only person that said “I won’t leave if it gets hard,” and he didn’t. On my recent birthday card when I turned 17, I still remember what he wrote “I love you through thick and thin” and it always has been like that. And I feel bad that I’ve caused him pain, and worry, and a bunch of other shit, I truly am. But I hope he knows that I love him more then anything in the world, and I don’t want to see a day without him. He means the world to me, and I appreciate him so much. I hope he knows that, and understand where I’m coming from. And that it will change, just want someone to believe that it will change. And that whenever one door closes, another opens. Just want one person to stick around, and to know that It will be ok, that at the end of the day there is at least ONE person who loves you, one person who you mean the world to, one person who isn’t giving up on you….

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Entry filed under: Life as I Know it.. Tags: , , , , , .

So Long Trying to fit a square into a circle was no life.

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