Promise

I don’t know why we all hang onto something we know we’re better off letting go. It’s like we’re scared to lose what we really don’t even have. At least anymore… Some of us say we’d rather have something than nothing at all, I was one of those people. But the truth is….to have something halfway is harder than not having it at all. That’s the simple truth of it all, what am I afraid of losing when I basically have nothing anymore, nothing worth waking up with a huge cheesy smile on my face, nothing to have butterflies over. It’s been pain now, for a good few months. Pain that seeps into me when I don’t even realize it, pain that can put the biggest smile on my face away. The type of pain where your having fun and remember things and you stop and your smile fades and your eyes glisten with tears as you try to fight them away and tell yourself to get over it. The type of pain where you hear a song and it reminds you of things. The type of pain when you finally realize it probably isn’t meant to be. I can’t pull all the weight, I need help. I put all the blame on me, but you can’t just let me hang…or can you? I had a conversation about this even with my mom, who I don’t really bother much about the things I’m hurting over, because she has a handful of her own problems. But I guess I got to the point where I didn’t know what to do, had nobody to talk to about it since you always get mad and throw more things at me when I try talking about it. I was telling my mom how everything about was great for awhile, and then how things fell apart and you let go, and now I’m holding myself up with my finger tips. I didn’t even make you sound bad, or at wrong. I even said I hope the next person he finds will make you happier, and less stressed. I hope you have the same laughs with them like you did with me, hope you both have the same humor. You will make them happy. Because maybe were not at wrong at all, maybe none of it is my fault, maybe none of it is your fault, maybe something is wrong with me, maybe something is wrong with you. Maybe I just need a wake up call…. I feel as if I don’t know what to do, like I’m trapped and you don’t even want to help. It’s like you gave up, I don’t know if it will ever be the same…a part of me sometimes hopes it will, and another part of me wants just to be happy .  I mean everything that I say from the bottom of my heart, I would never, never ever hurt you. I opened my heart gave it to you, nothing is good enough right? Saddest part is you don’t believe anything and I need to prove everything.

True.

Hm have you ever gotten to that point where you were happy and stuff and you just wanted it that one thing and you just knew, you were certain that you would be happy. I think I’m coming to my true senses now, where I need what is actually going to make me happy, I can’t put on forever and say I’m happy and do so much just to keep it neutral. I can’t sit and be quiet for too much longer and not saying anything just in case it ticks you off. I don’t want to hurt inside and not be able to say anything. When you aren’t happy, I try. If I’m not happy Its me automatically starting drama, It’s like you don’t even care anymore to make me happy.

Fact:

There is nothing worse then being in love alone.

Anyway..

It’s raining at the moment, fun right? Not really. I usually like the rain but today it just has a different toll on me.

CAR UPDATE? ehh none yet!

A Blog.

At the moment I am debating on what car to get myself..my car money I got for my birthday has just been sitting there ever since April 9th..hmm what to buy? I have been looking at BMW’S and Audi’s, so far found some good ones just need to call. And I need a new job. My goals for the summer are:

-New Job along with my hospital job

-FIND car!

-Tone up 🙂

-Get a really nice tan.

Thats all for now I’m sure more things will come to me soon enough. Oh and I really want another piercing on my ear, but that I’m still thinking about. Short blog today, but I need to go and get started on some serious homework/studying… Talk to you guys soon. Oh and DAMN YOU INFLUENZA.

Damn you Influenza…you strike again.

Yeah so what’s up with this “Swine Influenza”? Is there one day in this world where something doesn’t go wrong. It seems as if lately a lot of things have been going wrong. First not too far from where I live a women killed a little girl in a church and then threw her in a river inside a suitcase, not too far before that a few kids in Oakland were shot. Hmm, yeah never a normal day in this world, and I have come to realize that I really hate watching the news, it just makes you depressed.

HourGlass

This is a story, not your ordinary Once upon a time happily ever after, this one is a little different. More realistic.

…….

Off to college, straight leaving after High School.

It’s been too long…

“Come back to me? Can you feel me?..Hear me calling for you?”

Is your heart still mine? I wanna cry sometimes, I miss you.

Close friends, even lovers.

Wondering if you’re the same and who’s been with you.

 

 

FACT:

 

HEAT

Oh my god. So some of you have asked where I live. I live in California and right now it is horribly hot. Like we didn’t even have a proper spring, it just jumped to 90+ degrees. I am so thankful my new house has AC because it honestly saves me everyday! I am more of a winter girl. I love rain, cold days, snow, wind..etc. You may ask why do you live in California when you love everything opposite of it. Well I don’t know I mean I love California, but the heat doesn’t float my boat. I love coats, boots, scarves, hats…etc and those are winter clothes! Don’t get me wrong the heat is nice when it isn’t overwhelming and where you sweat just sitting down. I like to swim and the beach and to tan and all that good stuff….but it really drives me crazy when its like 90+ degrees at 8 in the morning!

 

SOMEONE SEND ME SOME SNOW 🙂

 

HEAT.. mix the letters up it comes to as HATE haha wow the heat is getting to my head :p

 

Now&Then

Hospitals… hmm for somebody who hates needles and feels weak at the sight of blood. Why am I working at one? I see it everyday but I finally learned today that you can overcome those fears. It doesn’t bother me AS much. I see people come in with all types of injuries. For example today a man who worked at a construction site shot a nail gun accidently at his own hand. I don’t need to go into detail but it was pretty nasty. I probably look pretty stupid because most of the times people come in with injuries I kind of just stop and stare blankly at them. It’s pretty funny, but I assume I’ll get used to it eventually. As for wearing scrubs hmm, mine are pink and it’s ok because everyone pretty much blends in except the fact we all wear different colored scrubs. 

 

Flightless Bird

Every second you get closer, get older. So why do we waste a lot of our time fighting and arguing about pointless things. I catch myself getting mad a lot of the time for pointless and stupid things. But its sad sometimes, how you put the blame of a lot of things on me. Ask yourself sometimes the things you ask me. If I acted the way you act towards me you would have sleepless nights too. 

I know I’ve got issues but your pretty messed up too.

 

Updates?

 

Um, I have a dad, I’m 18 finally, I have a fish named Pepper, I don’t live in Santa Clara anymore, I am not on the internet 24/7 anymore and it’s better, I kick-box, I work in a hospital part time helping Doctors, I can solve a Rubik’s Cube in a minute, I recently killed 3 spiders on my own, I know my future holds a “MEDICAL” type of job, I’m more aware of things.

 

 

Waking Up

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but it does pass. Even for me…

 

 

Thank you, NEW MOON.

YOU found ME

I asked where have you been? He said ask anything.

-Where were you when everything was falling apart?

 

I don’t want to be the girl who has to hear the silence, the quiet scares me because it speaks the truth. It’s true. When you are alone, where its quiet, many things run throughout your mind. I sat today in my car, no music, and no people on the road ahead of me. It was 6:00 am, and it was a work/school day but it was as if the world was still asleep. I was tired and the morning air hurt against my face, I had about a million of things to do that morning. Why do we put things off until that last minute, or just completely put them off? I think a lot of it has to do with fear. Sometimes the fears are just based on making decisions. The fear of making a decision  you can’t undo. This was the first morning I realized that rushing all the time, getting things together, and making things as close to perfect was going to be impossible to do for the rest of my life. My mornings start off, with waking up then laying in bed for another five minutes wishing I could sleep in more. I get up, go to the bathroom do what I need to. Then I hop in the shower, that has to be my favorite thing. The way hot water feels on your body in the morning is pretty much amazing. It wakes you and refreshes you, and then I don’t want to leave the shower. I blow dry my hair and check the temperature outside so I can wear appropriate clothing, either way as much clothes as I wear my body seems to never be pleased, and i shiver my way to the car. You would thing going to a car would help and shield you from the icy air, but you would be surprised. Sitting in that car, waiting for it to heat up a bit is probably worse then getting out of bed, and leaving the warm shower all together. I try to make the best of my mornings, and I won’t lie I do succeed. But that morning rush is what I hate. Waiting in line at Starbucks for my tea, red light  after red light. It seems like everything goes slower when you are in a hurry. Then I get to school, and that is rush number 23823488234823832823, turning in work, running grabbing papers, then finally class time. Most people to me at least seem like class time is the worst time for them. For me its the best, its the calmest on most days and its the only time I’m not rushing. My mom always says if you had time you wouldn’t rush, but the thing is I have PLENTY of time, the problem is how much things I have to do. Therefore I conclude that putting things off is no longer going to work, at least for me.