Ew School.

UPDATE:

School started today eek. I enjoyed waking up late & having no stress or worries over home & other crap. And maybe its mean to say, but I didn’t want to really see anybody, nor did i “miss” the over the summer. I mean my friend who I see on a regular basis I obviously didn’t miss since we saw each other a lot, but like your “school friends” usually I’d miss them and be all excited to see them, not this year. Junior year & so they say its the hardest year. We will just have to see. My AP US teacher today told us that school is a privilege & its the only time your education will be free, and therefore we should appreciate it and be happy with it. I mean I get it all, and that we should make the best of it and not take it for granted, but there is times I want to just drop everything and never enter those halls again. The part I hate the most is waking up in the morning, its so hard. I want to continue pressing “snooze” on my alarm but, eventually I have to get up & start a new day. A lot of time in class I catch myself completely dazing off and thinking about something completely different then whats even happening in the class at the moment. And then its weird because for those few minutes or even seconds that I was daydreaming of stuff more interesting it feels like I was actually there and everything else disappeared. It’s interesting but it gets me through my classes sometimes 🙂 !! But anyways, I feel bad not having time to write in here as much as I used to, because I honestly love it. It’s just with school starting & all this other stuff, it was hard & + I had writers block for some time, hehe 🙂 But I’m back & most likely with more interesting things to write about since school has started!

It’s what you said.

“And he looked me int he eyes and said…I hope you like dancing in the rain, I’ll spin you around and pull you back to me. I sure am glad you wore that dress, it reminds me of the night that we first met. Don’t you love these evenings in July, staring at you, with my brown eyes? We could be fine.”

It’s a few simple words, that change your whole view on things. It’s the people you never thought you would make a place for in your life. It’s the least expected. Sometimes one look can change everything, and remind you of things you seemed to have forgotten because you were taken away from what was real, taken away from the truth. But it takes just ONE time to open up your eyes and see whats real from whats been fake since it even began. People you least expect, come out of nowhere and take you into a different part of life, make you appreciate it for what it is. It’s these people who I want to never leave, its these people that have made a difference. For me, it’s not even “people”…its just him.

After Tonight.

I’ve always wanted a normal and stable family. The people you can turn to and trust the most with your problems, or simply just things on your mind. That never was my case, it’s always been a roller coaster. People coming in my life, and leaving just as easy. I don’t even know who to call family anymore. It’s confusing when you’re seventeen and confused about who you’re even becoming, and theres nobody to back you up and give you a helping hand. Sometimes I get mad at my friends, because they have parents who are there 24/7 and support them through whatever, whenever. And they seem to not appreciate it at all, and its like appreciate it now that you have it, because some day you’ll miss it, and the only thing you’ll have is the memory of when it used to be like that. But I guess when you never even had that type of relationship with family, any family thats close is all you want to be with yours. I mean sure we all have problems, but we get over them and move on. Most families all go forward together, and sometimes theres some negatives and they slip back a bit but still manage to continue forward making the best of what they have. But when you have a family who seems to keep on going backwards, and not ever moving forward on a positive note, after awhile you just feel as if you don’t belong there. I mean after all, how can you belong in a family where nothing is set in its place, and where you don’t even feel like you belong? I guess after all these years, I don’t even know what to think. But I do know that when I start a family, I wont ever make the same mistakes and make my family feel the way I did growing up. I want my kids to be able to come to me and their father for whatever and whenever. Whatever, I guess everything comes into place sometime? Hopefully mine is soon.

Listen to the music of the moment.

Wow, It has been a long time since I have posted a blog, bad me But anyways, I just haven’t had any time to really write…well no I’m lying I DID have time, I just had nothing to write about. But I guess I’m lying about that too, since theres ALWAYS something to write about. I don’t know I guess I just didn’t know how to put it into words and write it here. So yeah I’m sorry. Life right now is pretty hectic, a lot of stuff going on, and its stuff I really don’t even want to be busy with. School is starting and its honestly a pain in the butt. So much homework, sometimes I feel like I try way to hard. Like I see my “future” and I guess I try so hard to make the best path for it, so It actually comes the way I want it. And people constantly tell me I try to hard at stuff, and I should just let stuff come to me. See, I agree with that but I also want to be sure I will have a bright future, so I just try hard. I don’t like to fail, but who does? I hear it all the time, how hard I try, etc. Sometimes I feel like I try for no reason, that maybe after all I wont get far..hm I don’t know. I guess its mixed feelings. I don’t even know what school I’d be happy in, or what I even want. I think thats my biggest problem is that I don’t know what I want. It’s ok to be confused right? But I don’t know if its ok to not know what you want. I don’t want to be the person who isn’t satisfied with things, and always needs a new adventure. I want one thing to be sure of, one thing that I know I want.. I guess it just hasn’t come to me yet. Hopefully it does soon.

Open up your mind and see like me, open up your plans and damn you’re free,
Look into your heart and you’ll find the sky is yours
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me.

It’s Universal.

Isn’t it so nice to have someone, who you know you can fully trust and believe in anything they tell you. Sometimes I just realize how much someone really does mean to me, and how bad I never want to see them leave. When you think about it, all you want to do is make the time you have together the best, and not have any regrets. Because none of us are promised forever with anybody. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. It’s sad to think, that EVERYTHING can change so fast…its scary. I don’t even know if I can begin to explain how it feels to love someone so much, and to never want them to leave….but I’ll give it a shot. They say love is universal, and it is. When you fall completely in love and head over heels for someone, its as if they literally are your other half. Everything you do, and think about they are always with your thoughts and the decisions you do make are all depended on them, and what suits you two the best. What amazes me even more is how a person can come into your life so unexpectedly. One day you are just living life with the people you have in your life, but you aren’t really sharing that type of love with anybody. And before you know it, you are in love and want to spend forever with them. And thats the thing…that word.. “FOREVER”.. I believe it scares some people, and then again for others thats all they have ever wanted. Because after awhile watching people walk out the door, and not come back makes you believe that nobody will stick around that long..and people that did promise forever, broke that promise too. It’s easy to say you want forever, and it is nice, especially if you can’t see yourself without this person. In marriage, you promise to be together forever, “until death do us part” so it isn’t even forever then, its until death. I like to believe that when you get married, and its all going amazing, and you are SO SURE that you want to be together forever, I don’t think death should separate you from someone, they would always hold a piece of you with them, right? Or maybe this is just my own theory, or something I just want to believe. Because I think all of us have been at a point where you would do anything to just not lose the person you love. Where you can’t even imagine tomorrow without them, more of you don’t even want to know what it feels like to be without them. I have come to the conclusion that this feeling can’t be explained, it can only be shown I believe. To show that you love them unconditionally, and that you would do whatever it takes to be with them and make it work. I feel like once you do fall in love, your whole life changes and your world revolves around a person now. I admit… I LOVE this feeling, these constant butterflies, and this happiness that never goes away.

Army Wives

My cousin is a army wife, and shes only about 23 I think. And until yesterday I didn’t realize how hard it must be. Missing the person you love is hard enough, but having to worry if they are ever going to come home is even harder. She has a baby on the way and he husband might not even be there. Having to go through all of that stuff alone and on top of everything worry about your spouse, must be hard. I give all my respect to army wives/husbands and any other people who have someone in the war that they miss. I didn’t even think of it before, because I guess I have nobody who is fighting in the war so never actual hit me. But after watching that show on Lifetime “Army Wives” and what my cousin + millions of others are going through I realized it must be so hard. And I feel worse for the people that lost people due to war.

Man/Woman

Marilyn Monroe once said: “I don’t mind living in a mans world, as long as I can be a women in it.”

Well today at work me and my coworker Veronica were making posters, and decorating stuff for the store. A few minutes later two guys walked in and said they were there to pick up this big sign, I guess they ordered it some time back and finally decided to pick it up. Well anyways, I went to ask him his name and to pull up all of his information. While I was doing that he kept asking if my Manager Matt was around, and I told him like five hundred times that he wasn’t. When it was time to bring him the sign him and his buddy laughed at me. I was confused and asked what was funny. But I guess he didn’t hear me so me and my friend Veronica went in to the back room to get him his sign. Right before we were about to grab it he said we needed to get him some actual people to get it. I told him I didn’t understand, and they laughed again and said we needed to get him actual men to carry out the sign. I couldn’t believe that he was being that sexist. So me and my friend told him to go and get the sign himself. Haha. Too bad. I didn’t even care, he was being a complete ass and his friend just stood there laughing. They never even offered to get it themselves, so I volunteered them. I don’t get why people are so sexist sometimes. Girls can do anything guys can! Maybe even better sometimes! I don’t fight with men, only the system thats sexist.

Eyes of War

Okay.. well this picture I took this morning. I was driving with my nephew to the doctor so he could get his shots, and then I saw a whole small beach part covered with red crosses. I’m a pretty curious person, so we parked and got out of the car and headed towards the ocean of red. It was a WHOLE private little beach dedicated to the war thats happening. The United states brown figure you see in the picture was actually a chalk board, and the killed and wounded numbers were constantly being erased to show how many were being hurt. It was pretty sad. People brought flowers, teddy bears, and these “prayer papers.” The thing that was woah to me is that there is 4,032 crosses on that beach, and still more to come according to the man. He orders these crosses whenever he gets updated on the numbers being killed and wounded, and if they change, he sticks in another cross in the ground. It was really interesting talking to him, you could tell the war was something he was extremely sensitive about, and knew basically everything about it. He talked to me for about half an hour just about how he feels towards the war. What I found nice was that he didn’t blame anybody, he didn’t completely criticize Iraq, and he didn’t call out Bush on a million things, and other things that possibly caused the war. He is going to be probably one person I won’t forget, he was just so nice, and opinionated and smart. I mean, he buys 4,000+ crosses, and puts them all over his own beach, and makes it a little attraction for people to see, and realize whats happening. There isn’t even a charge, I heard some man ask him “what this to you, you aren’t even getting anything out of it.” And all the man said was that he didn’t need anything out of it, he just wants to open peoples eyes.

I’ll Miss You.

This morning I went to a memorial service….my friends memorial service. Last night about 4am I got a call from one of my closer friends, and he told me that she passed away in a car accident. Hearing that someone you used to be close to, isn’t there anymore sucks. Makes you feel empty, and guilty. Me and her grew up together, and went to the same school until High school. We stopped talking around 7th grade, and I said I’d never forgive her. She stabbed me in the back, and she could have won an award for lying. But that doesn’t even matter anymore, shes gone. I feel guilty that I couldn’t even tell her that I forgave her long ago. We were only about 13-14 years old? I don’t even know how old anymore. It was a stupid immature fight, but I guess neither of us had the nerve to apologize. And now I won’t ever get the chance to. I mean, it just sucks. I see pictures of us when we were like babies , and toddlers. In my mind she became just another person, and I didn’t ever care that we would never talk. But now, I’d do anything just to tell her I’m sorry, and that I was the stupid one.

I’ll miss you.